Leading, Following, and Coming of Age

OK, time to get serious for a moment…

Looking around at blogs by a few other submissive guys, I can see a common theme – how to work through the paradox of a man leading a woman into a female led-relationship. Good to know we’re not the only ones who have struggled with that! (I’m talking in particular about some posts on All for Her, but I see this kind of thing around in other places too.)

It seems there’s nothing really wrong with it, to begin with. The man, who has had submissive urges for a while, plucks up the courage and lays it out for his partner to see – “this is who I really am, this is what I want for us”.

If he’s lucky, she begins to experiment with the power she’s been given, decides she likes the control and the domestic peace it affords, and the whole thing takes off from there.

The problem for me is that over the last few years I have put so much energy into creating the right environment for this kind of D/s relationship that I almost don’t know how to stop. I have had a lot of practice in leading, and not so much at the following.

Partly, I’ve been scared that without constant input from me the whole thing will fall by the wayside. (We’ve had false starts before.) I used to feel like when she did something bossy and wonderful, I needed to say, “yeah, be like that more,” which was patronizing and annoying because she knows perfectly well how to be. I haven’t done this for a while, I’m pleased to say. Instead I just say “I love it when you talk to me that way.”

But more importantly, it’s that I still have difficulty in accepting that Michelle isn’t just doing it to humor me because she loves me and wants our marriage to work. Even when she blows my mind into tiny fragments, there’s still sometimes a nagging doubt that she’s being led, willingly, into pleasing me by dominating me, and that eventually she’ll grow tired of the game because it isn’t really her.

The doubt is the thing that prevents my total immersion in submission. Still a part of me remains, a part that wants to question, and to control.

Over the last few months there’s been a shift – she’s undertaken so many acts of dominance, many of which were not actually to my liking, that I am starting to relax into my role and forget about whether it’s me or her. I’ve been more chilled, she’s noticed, and been more dominant with me in an off-hand way, which I love. She asks, and I say yes. If I ask, she says yes or no, without a trace of guilt or reluctance. I’m happy about that.

Then again, there are still moments of doubt, of indecision, moments when I wish she’d be more dominant with me, and she senses that, feels pressured, and backs away to the safety of the old way.

So I guess in one sense this is a ‘coming of age post‘ for our relationship. I think we can see the wood and the trees now. We’ve made it out of the first stage of the paradox. She is often very comfortable in using her power to get what she wants and I am mostly comfortable that she is doing this willingly, and forcefully.

But I’d be lying if I said I was totally comfortable with it. And I’d be lying if I said I wish she wasn’t more dominant sometimes.

I think the doubt and the frustration will probably remain for quite a while, and slowly diminish with time and practice. I suspect that D/s relationships probably go through a whole series of arrivals, points at which both partners feel relaxed enough to stop worrying about whether something ‘means’ something, and just go with it. Hopefully this can keep happening throughout the relationship.

That’s probably why I see coming of age posts on other blogs, by guys who have been doing this for much longer than me. Even after years of deep submission, there’s still a sense of wonderment and relief at the increasing dominance of their partners. “Hey, she’s been even more dominant lately. Awesome! We’ve really made it!”

I guess this makes sense. You wouldn’t expect there to be a definitive ‘arrival’ in a vanilla relationship, reaching a place where all roles were fixed and all issues were resolved. So why expect it of a D/s relationship? If you think about it, it would be kind of inflexible and get pretty boring.

So anyway, if Michelle wants to be more dominant, bring it on. I think I’m ready. But if it doesn’t come, or takes a long time, well then, I’m ready for that too. I’m going to try not to lead any more.

And in terms of this blog: I’m going to try and avoid having too many posts that say things like: “We’ve made it! She made me bark like a dog at a dinner party! We’re officially D/s now!”

Because I can see that the old anxieties will still be there, and that a month later, we’ll have some argument or lapse, and that will make me want to eat my words and make me realise we still have a way to travel.

Then again, if Michelle does something spectacularly dominant, or ups the tempo in some way, I probably will let y’all know…

SM.

5 thoughts on “Leading, Following, and Coming of Age

  1. I’ve got to learn to not get so excited when things are going great. We just had a patch of nearly pure vanilla and I was convinced that it was over.
    I think we’re back on the wlm path again, though.

  2. Glad to hear it, sir! I hope your wife enjoys your service immensely.

    I should point out, this post wasn’t a ‘review’ of your blog per se; I just wanted to sort through my own thoughts on how this issue is likely to play out for me and Michelle, and your blog is one of the main ones I read that focus on the relationship angle.

    I gotta say, I probably couldn’t do this without the internet. There’s too many dark places with no signposts, and lots of deep hole in the road.

  3. Steve – I followed your link from All For Hers blog and just wanted to say how much I can relate to this entry. I could have written these words myself as they express so much of what I am feeling about my own relationship with Jane, and what is so frustrating about trying to establish a WLM.

    You said, “I have put so much energy into creating the right environment for this kind of D/s relationship that I almost don’t know how to stop”, I feel exactly the same way. Now that I have been submitting myself to jane for over a year now, I don’t think that I could stop, even if I wanted to. It’s probably fair to say that she would not want me to stop either, but there are times, all too frequent where I get the distinct feeling that Jane is only doing what she does to please me and gets very little enjoyment and satisfaction from it herself. That is why I continually find myself topping and leading, because if I don’t then things Wife Led just dry up. I continue to “serve” to be attentive, but Jane never seems to want to initiate or use her power just for herself.

    You say, “it’s that I still have difficulty in accepting that Michelle isn’t just doing it to humor me because she loves me and wants our marriage to work. I get that same feeling which is so hard to shift sometimes. If it were not true then why does she need to be topped so often.

    Like you I am trying to play things cool, to let Jane take the lead, but it’s not easy. Having just come across your blog, I am going to put a link from mine to yours, if that’s OK, so I can follow your progress.

  4. Hi,

    Thanks for this, I’ll check your blog too.

    I’m pretty sure that in my case, the “she’s not really into it” anxiety is just not worth acting on. It’s one of those feelings that trick you into thinking you need to do something about it, but in fact the best thing to do is just ignore it, like paranoia. Acting on it all the time is where it gets dysfunctional – and in the case of relationships, starts turning into pressure. And it’s a more-ish feeling too, so the more you act on it the worse it will get.

    So, I guess that’s why I wrote that we’ve come of age in the last few months – because I have realised that I have done all the leading I can sensibly do. Anything more is just acting out the anxiety. I hoped that this post would come across as generally positive. It wasn’t really about the anxiety, it was about the gradual end of it.

    Obviously there is a balance required between letting go of the anxiety on one hand, and on the other, recognizing when I need to act if my needs are genuinely not being met over the long term.

    The thing about the anxiety is that, once again, it tricks you into thinking that little day-to-day things have all this long-term significance and that therefore you need to act on them.

    But I’ve realized that I don’t need to act on that ‘lost’ feeling at all; Michelle does come to me, and does use me for her pleasure, as and when she feels like it, and really enjoys her power over me. Things are going well (at the moment).

    Anyway man, link up by all means but bear in mind that this blog is only partly about the WLM. The rest of it is me indulging my taste for internet kitsch, femdom porn and other fetishes, in a fairly light-hearted way.

    I’m putting together a post on D/s and cognitive therapy that you might be interested in, that probably will appear in December. In the meantime it’s probably gonna be all about the femdom art, Michelle’s supersized orgasms, and my hopeless crush on Sonja Sohn…

    Anyway thanks for stopping by.

    S.

  5. Thanks Steve. write more.
    Once worked in bank office and the manger of our department I worked in soon became my mistress Here’s I told what happens – I use to take the train to work But because my job often required me to work late I wouldn’t be able to catch the rush hour train home Often I want have to wait up to an hour at the station to catch the next one I had to walk thru a tough neighberhood form bank to station and as it was starting to get dark I was mugged by two thugs I love my job and and didn’t want to quit so whenever I was working late I’d call a cab for the mile ride My bossher name was Elieen ( she was 5′7 weighed about 120 lbs long smooth and slender legs soft brown eyes that hide her true dominate nature and mid length dark auburn hair) decide that that was two expensive and started giving me rides home ( she lived about two miles away from me) We’d talk on the rides but she would have the habit of hiking her skirt up ( when she wore one) well above her thigh just enough to give me a small glimpse of her panty When she wore slacks she would begin into the car with her shirt unbutton to her navel again giving me just a slight glimpses of her breast During winter she would wear a fur coat so when she drove she arrived at sure it brushed agaisnt my hand Needless to say

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