Basically, it’s true to say that I have two ‘types’: voluptuous, relaxed, confident-looking dark-haired women, and also the more more petite and anxious blondes that society often labels ‘sexy’. I know it is stupid to have preferred types of girls based on something like hair colour, but when I analyze what’s really going on in my crowded, jostling backbrain, there are two clear images there. I don’t seem to find “elegant raven-haired beauties” or “fiery red-heads” attractive in the same way. I’ll leave those to some other guy.
When I was much younger – I mean, over fifteen years ago, and still living in my home country – I went out with a girl who looked quite a lot like this. She was definitely of the second type. Petite, sexy, anxious, and controlling as hell. She was very aware of her personal power, and spent the first few month of our relationship preying mercilessly on my tender innocence and exploiting my desire to please her in a way that could have been quite sexy and wonderful, if only I had been aware of my true nature, and if she had not been revolted by hers.
That was the problem with my ex. She spent half her time trying to control me, and the other half being freaked out that she was doing it, and wanting me to stop her, to stand up to her, to set boundaries for her, and make her be a “better” person.
Anyway, after a few months of wondering why she was so moody and capricious, I started challenging her behaviour. As a result, we fought all the time. The sex got better and better but the relationship was awful. Took us over a year to break up.
Looking back, I’ve thought a lot about inner conflict and how it affects dominant people. This girl knew what she wanted: she even told me so on a few occasions. She wanted what she called a ‘wife’, someone to be there for her always, someone to make endless sacrifices for her, someone to adore her, and tell her she was loved always. But she thought that what she was wanted was ‘wrong’. If I let her dominate me, she hated me for being weak, and hated herself for being cruel, and almost begged me to be stronger. But if I did stand up to her, we fought all the time, and then she would beg me for peace, beg me to be nicer.
Recently I have hoped for her sake that she will realize that there are plenty of guys around who would love to be with her, if only she’d own up to what she realy wanted. Then she could have some smiley little chastity rabbit keeping her happy, and I’d wish very good luck to both of them. But last I heard, she was having exactly the same troubles with her (younger) boyfriend. She wanted to dominate him, but also wanted him to stop her, so of course, they fought like hell.
As I was writing this I wondered if it might be obvious who I was to her if she read this. Then it occurred to me: there must be hundreds of thousands of girls around, exactly like this.
Anyway, maybe this is all projection. I have to remember that not everyone is either D or s, that many people do not share my feelings about power and sex, and that my ex was probably just a normal girl struggling with wanting to be powerful but not wanting to have all the control, all the time.
But something tells me otherwise. I wonder if she knew about the possibilities of a D/s relationship and simply didn’t have the courage to say what she really wanted, because she thought I’d reject her.
Anyway, good luck to her. I hope she works it out somehow.
Met-Art’s Koika has stood in for my ex GF on this occasion.