I’ve been talking with Michelle a lot lately about the process by which a guy discovers he is into submissive sexuality.
We suspect that if he works it out primarily in conversation with his partner, then both partners are starting to read “the book of D/s” on approximately the same page, if you see what I mean. But if, as often seems to happen, the murky world of the internet is his guide for the first six months or more, while she knows nothing of it, then inevitably, by the time he tells her who he really is, he’s up to reading Chapter 7: “Advanced Spanking”, while she’s still taking it down off the shelf.
No wonder so many dominant women are constantly telling their sub hubs to slow the hell down.
Our own beginning was a bit of both. I’ve been thinking back over my own nascent desires to submit – starting about eight years ago – and realizing that I communicated these to Michelle pretty quickly after thinking them. It started out with me realizing I wanted her to be more assertive about asking for sex, so it wasn’t me all the time. Then, that I actually liked her being rough in bed. From then on, every time I had another awakening about how I was really wired, I’d tell her pretty quickly. We had a fully-developed expression of the idea that I would be her submissive husband by about the middle of 2006 and have been getting deeper into it ever since (hiatus excepted). She has started to express a direct interest herself at about that time, and now argues for her own right to dominate, clearly and articulately.
But the net also had a part to play. At first – I think in about 2005 – I recall looking for the sort of imagery “where the guy does everything for the woman”, is probably how I would have put it. Unfortunately for me I came first across a tacky site called Humiliatrix.com, and quickly realised my tender, newly-emerging kink did not extend to paying good money to be called a “worm with a small penis” by some daft tart with a fake laugh.
A few years back I flirted with the Cockcontrol.com crew for a time (but they kept accusing me of having a secret desire to suck cock, which I do not), then found my way to Informed Consent, and eventually to blogs like All For Her, by which time I was well into the whole idea. I told Michelle a lot about my journey on the way. I only started blogging in 2008, after we’d already had a lot of the groundwork conversations over the previous few years.
But if there is one site that really shaped the whole way I think about all this stuff, and helped Michelle too, it was actually something called Male Chastity: The Woman’s Pictorial Guide to a Blissful Relationship by Dr. Tanya Larisse, posted on this Angelfire site.
That was the first time I was able to seperate kinky porn from a practical model for a relationship that might actually work. Since then I’ve discovered lots more stuff along the same lines (and loads of kinky porn for my own amusement), but that was the first site that really made a relationship seem possible, even normal. I remember Michelle asking to see some of the stuff I’d been reading and I immediately thought to show her this site. I can’t remember exactly what she said but it wasn’t “that’s ridiculous”, which is often her response to internet femdom.
So, thankyou, Doctor Larisse, and thankyou, whoever put up that extract. Here’s the very “not porn” pictures that I liked so much, about two-and-a-half years ago.
Edit: DARN evil image hosters. I’ll copy and put them up when I can be bothered…