I’m getting a lot more into reading blogs by women subs and switches lately and have had a kind of revelation as a result.
There are some simple reasons for reading women’s blogs. I admit, one of these is sheer perviness. I get to combine my interest in submission with my interest in…uh, women.
i type naked and on my knees as a sign of my submission to Master. He instructed me to kneel for Him naked and a cold but delicious shiver ran through my body and i felt myself instantly become wet at the thought of kneeling for Him.
Really, the idea of dominating a woman like this appeals to me, as well as the idea of being a woman in this position. And also, it’s just good to know there are people out there having a good time with their minds and bodies. The whole thing is just hot.
But there’s another reason for my new reading habits. I think I relate more to what women are saying about sexual submission, because many women bloggers seem to understand inherently that they are switches rather than just submissives, even if this is not a part of their relationship. In the words of the Sex Warrior (a fairly new blog, just started last month):
Today I find myself struggling with my submission to Master. I am a Switch in D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships, which means I can and like to both Dominate and be submissive, although at the moment I’m not being Dominant with anyone and am exploring my submission only, by choice. In our relationship he is only ever Master, he is a Dominant and not a Switch, and I am only submissive to him and no one else. However, there is Dominance within me as a woman and as a sexual being and sometimes the two do battle within me when I am with him…
Now, when a male sub says he is “struggling with submission”, it is very often something along the lines of “I feel like if I stop pushing, the whole D/s thing will fall by the wayside.” In other words, they conflate the ‘D’ and the ‘s’ into the same desire.
I’ve read dozens of posts like that in the past year – but far less often from women. I think maybe women in submission are more inclined to realise that they are dominant as well as submissive, and understand that their need to ‘push’ their partner is an expression of dominance, not submission.
So, women like the Sex Warrior are less likely to try and ‘make’ their partner more dominant; they are too busy trying to reconcile their own conflicting desires to dominate and to submit. That’s my theory, anyway.
I don’t know what the gender difference is based on. Men just seem more inclined to kink obsessively on the purity of true male submission, while women are more balanced, more inclined to let things go?
Whatever the case, there is a noticeable lack of ‘bottom-topping’ stuff on submission blogs by women, which makes them pretty appealing reading from my perspective.
Anyway, after reading some of this kinda stuff, I’m starting to realise that my sexuality is just plain old kinky by nature rather than purely submissive, and that in another life, I could be dominant, if I was with the right person.
That old male-sub desire I had a few years back for Michelle to be ‘more dominant’ has now totally faded. I don’t need that at all, in fact. What I really need is to deal with is that I am also potentially dominant, and that potential may never be fulfilled, because of the relationship I am in.
So, maybe it turns out that dominance is the part of my sexuality which has no outlet. The submission side is well looked after.
Like I said this is kind of a revelation for me. While I no longer struggle with the notion that Michelle will never fully dominate me in all the ways that I imagined, I must now accept the closely related fact that I cannot fully dominate Michelle. Sounds blindingly obvious now I understand it, but it has taken me a while to get to this point.
(Incidentally I have asked Michelle about switching and she has no interest at present).
I have had a few domination fantasies over the past year which I now understand more fully. Interestingly, they never work if I think about Michelle being submissive; the program just crashes. So I have to summon up a token submissive girlfriend for the occasion and then take out my desires upon her. It’s all good clean dirty fun and my fantasy usually ends with me coming my brains out. (Obviously that’s where my fantasy and my reality have to part ways.)
Anyway, one cannot have all things in life, and I feel no great pangs of unfairness at the fact that I am not in a dominant role in my sex life. Generally, I’m a pretty happy sub.
But one thing does kinda weird me out, though. All that time I spent thinking my heart’s desire was to be ‘truly’ submissive, there was an entirely contradictory aspect of myself still lurking unrecognized, ready to derail the whole deal.
What if I had gotten what I thought wanted, an aggressively dominant partner? Would I have suddenly fixated on my own desire to dominate her, with an equally powerful obsession? That’s where kink could get pretty addictive, and I could end up never enjoying what I had because I was always looking for what I did not have.
So, self-knowledge is great and all that, but maybe there’s a danger in declaring that I know myself too early. I have to admit that there’s still going to be things about myself I don’t know. The real danger for someone like me is to use my will to set things in stone, and then realise a few years later there was something else I needed to deal with. I figure it’s better to keep things open, and not follow any script too closely, even the ones of my own making.
So, for the time being I am:
- sexually submissive and fairly masochistic
- fairly obliging domestically, but not totally submissive because it is impractical, and kinda boring
- inclined to be dominant if I got the chance.
But I’m also open to the idea that there might be other things around the corner. This is a weird and wonderful can of worms, indeed.