Learning from Female Submission

I’m getting a lot more into reading blogs by women subs and switches lately and have had a kind of revelation as a result.

There are some simple reasons for reading women’s blogs. I admit, one of these is sheer perviness. I get to combine my interest in submission with my interest in…uh, women.

i type naked and on my knees as a sign of my submission to Master. He instructed me to kneel for Him naked and a cold but delicious shiver ran through my body and i felt myself instantly become wet at the thought of kneeling for Him.

Really, the idea of dominating a woman like this appeals to me, as well as the idea of being a woman in this position. And also, it’s just good to know there are people out there having a good time with their minds and bodies. The whole thing is just hot.

But there’s another reason for my new reading habits. I think I relate more to what women are saying about sexual submission, because many women bloggers seem to understand inherently that they are switches rather than just submissives, even if this is not a part of their relationship. In the words of the Sex Warrior (a fairly new blog, just started last month):

Today I find myself struggling with my submission to Master. I am a Switch in D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships, which means I can and like to both Dominate and be submissive, although at the moment I’m not being Dominant with anyone and am exploring my submission only, by choice. In our relationship he is only ever Master, he is a Dominant and not a Switch, and I am only submissive to him and no one else. However, there is Dominance within me as a woman and as a sexual being and sometimes the two do battle within me when I am with him…

Now, when a male sub says he is “struggling with submission”, it is very often something along the lines of “I feel like if I stop pushing, the whole D/s thing will fall by the wayside.” In other words, they conflate the ‘D’ and the ‘s’ into the same desire.

I’ve read dozens of posts like that in the past year – but far less often from women. I think maybe women in submission are more inclined to realise that they are dominant as well as submissive, and understand that their need to ‘push’ their partner is an expression of dominance, not submission.

So, women like the Sex Warrior are less likely to try and ‘make’ their partner more dominant; they are too busy trying to reconcile their own conflicting desires to dominate and to submit. That’s my theory, anyway.

I don’t know what the gender difference is based on. Men just seem more inclined to kink obsessively on the purity of true male submission, while women are more balanced, more inclined to let things go?

Whatever the case, there is a noticeable lack of ‘bottom-topping’ stuff on submission blogs by women, which makes them pretty appealing reading from my perspective.

Anyway, after reading some of this kinda stuff, I’m starting to realise that my sexuality is just plain old kinky by nature rather than purely submissive, and that in another life, I could be dominant, if I was with the right person.

That old male-sub desire I had a few years back for Michelle to be ‘more dominant’  has now totally faded. I don’t need that at all, in fact. What I really need is to deal with is that I am also potentially dominant, and that potential may never be fulfilled, because of the relationship I am in.

So, maybe it turns out that dominance is the part of my sexuality which has no outlet. The submission side is well looked after.

Like I said this is kind of a revelation for me. While I no longer struggle with the notion that Michelle will never fully dominate me in all the ways that I imagined, I must now accept the closely related fact that I cannot fully dominate Michelle. Sounds blindingly obvious now I understand it, but it has taken me a while to get to this point.

(Incidentally I have asked Michelle about switching and she has no interest at present).

I have had a few domination fantasies over the past year which I now understand more fully. Interestingly, they never work if I think about Michelle being submissive; the program just crashes. So I have to summon up a token submissive girlfriend for the occasion and then take out my desires upon her. It’s all good clean dirty fun and my fantasy usually ends with me coming my brains out. (Obviously that’s where my fantasy and my reality have to part ways.)

Anyway, one cannot have all things in life, and I feel no great pangs of unfairness at the fact that I am not in a dominant role in my sex life. Generally, I’m a pretty happy sub.

But one thing does kinda weird me out, though. All that time I spent thinking my heart’s desire was to be ‘truly’ submissive, there was an entirely contradictory aspect of myself  still lurking unrecognized, ready to derail the whole deal.

What if I had gotten what I thought wanted, an aggressively dominant partner? Would I have suddenly fixated on my own desire to dominate her, with an equally powerful obsession? That’s where kink could get pretty addictive, and I could end up never enjoying what I had because I was always looking for what I did not have.

So, self-knowledge is great and all that, but maybe there’s a danger in declaring that I know myself too early. I have to admit that there’s still going to be things about myself I don’t know. The real danger for someone like me is to use my will to set things in stone, and then realise a few years later there was something else I needed to deal with. I figure it’s better to keep things open, and not follow any script too closely, even the ones of my own making.

So, for the time being I am:

  • chaste
  • sexually submissive and fairly masochistic
  • fairly obliging domestically, but not totally submissive because it is  impractical, and kinda boring
  • inclined to be dominant if I got the chance.

But I’m also open to the idea that there might be other things around the corner. This is a weird and wonderful can of worms, indeed.

8 thoughts on “Learning from Female Submission

  1. Brilliant, and most insightful. I am at the same place in my maze but have never been able to rationalise it nor articulate it with such clarity. Thank you. I too will go with the flow and not get ahead of my situation. Best just play the hand you were dealt. F.

  2. Thank you.

    Actually I don’t feel like I am in a maze, really. More that I have slowed up enough to look properly at things that have been right in front of me for a while.

    When you say you are in the same place, do you mean that you are becoming aware of your own desire to be dominant?

  3. I’m starting to realise that … in another life, I could be dominant, if I was with the right person.
    Check.

    I have had a few domination fantasies over the past year which I now understand more fully. Interestingly, they never work if I think about Michelle being submissive; the program just crashes.
    Check.

    I can very much relate. I don’t regret that I’ll never be able to let my dominant side out to play, but I know it’s in there. And like you, the idea of dominating my wife is a total non-starter. She’d have to practically beg me to do it before I’d be able to, I think.

    Nice post.

  4. “I don’t regret that I’ll never be able to let my dominant side out to play, but I know it’s in there.”

    Yeah this is how I feel. Not knowing things are in there is when they seem to cause me trouble because I project them, or mistake them for something else.

  5. Wow…… I’m so happy to read that what I wrote had such an effect on you. If you do this again can you please let me know? I’d love to read what results from something I’ve written…

    Just one thing to say, for me, on your post. I spent most of my adult sexual life being Dominant, sometimes VERY Dominant and sexually aggressive, but at times submissive – usually in one off or casual situations, just to experience it, to experience that person in that way. It was a case, for me, of finding the right person to ‘trigger’ the submissive in me and for now I have, for me, we fit together perfectly in this way.

    However, the Dominant hasn’t gone away and is still there and needs her outlet! Which is why I think monogamy is and will continue to be difficult for me. I cannot find full sexual and emotional and spiritual expression of myself in one relationship. I’m 40 now and I’ve not met anyone yet with whom this has been possible, maybe it is and I’ve just not met them yet but I doubt it. Plus, if I’m submissive to someone I just don’t think I can Dominate that person as well, the shift in the relationship/my mind/power dynamic is just too big. I’m asking a lot from my next relationship partner maybe, to accept this part of me, but it can’t be denied and therefore will have to be accepted.

    I like what you said about your kink not being limited (my word) to D/s, I hate to think of people limiting themselves sexually in any way and a lot of ‘alternative’ sexual communities expect people to fit neatly into boxes that can be easily labelled, however people don’t fit into boxes.

    I really enjoyed your post and will be reading your blog from now on 🙂 Thank you x

  6. Hi,

    Yours was one of a number of blogs that made me realise this thing about women that are submissive. You all just seem less obsessed with the idea that there is only one thing that will make you happy, and more open to the idea that you have more than one aspect, and that submission is just part of the bigger picture in your relationship. It’s a good quality.

    I cannot find full sexual and emotional and spiritual expression of myself in one relationship.

    This, and the rest of what you have said in that paragraph, is kinda challenging for me because I am in a long-term marriage with someone I love deeply, and neither of us want an open relationship, so thinking about polygamy to meet my ‘needs’ just isn’t an option.

    I am not placing any more labels on myself about what sort of person I am, but I will say that there is a strong part of me that wants to be ‘taught’ about BDSM by a partner who has experience, someone very capable, someone that I can submit to and be led by.

    If I were single now I would probably look for someone who wanted that kind of relationship and had some previous experience with it. But I ain’t. So, Michelle and I are working together to find a way to meet our needs. So far we’re going OK.

    I agree with your other post that it is sad, even tragic, that so many people live in sexually and emotionally unfulfilling relationships.

    I think mine is sometimes unfulfilling, but also sometimes wonderfully fulfilling and amazing. I think the danger would be to panic, and think that I am unfulfilled just because there are things I cannot get.

    Michelle, for example, is basically uninterested in pegging me. There’s disappointment around this, but also, a feeling that I’d probably not have all my needs met in any relationship, so I’m better off dealing with disappointment and then going with the things that are working out.

    I am already a fond reader of your blog.

    Steve.

  7. Hey, well inspired to some degree by your post I’ve just posted on monogamy, I love it when someone elses’ thoughts help me clarify or expand my own, thank you! And thank you for saying you’re a ‘fond reader’ of my blog, it’s new and so nice to have positive feedback, I’ve had another vanilla blog for nearly a year and it’s pretty popular but I felt the sexual side of me needed expression and in a different place, so glad it’s being enjoyed even just by one!

    You say that neither you nor your wife want a poly relationship of any sort, a suggestion……. lots of couples where one partner is into BDSM of some sort and the other either isn’t or isn’t into the same things find some of what they seek with others but without sex in any way, shape or form. There is just Domination or submission etc but without sex, the rules around this can be as specific as you want or need them to be, no genital contact for example, no kissing etc etc, whatever you need. Would this be an option for you I wonder?

    Or I’m wondering if online submission would be something that might work for you with you both? I guess people are divided on whether it’s ‘cheating’ or not, I personally don’t know, I don’t think about it as I’m single right now. But I do know there are lots of people doing it, enjoying it and learning from it myself included.

    I guess I’m just trying to find a way for another kinkster to be more satisfied, challenged, stretched in their kink. Tell me to butt out if you so desire!

    x

  8. Heh. Online domination. That’s something that has occurred to me as a possibility for some people or couples, but I ruled it out pretty quickly for us.

    As I said, some aspects of our D/s lifestyle are quite well established, including various kinds of submission, so it’s not the case that “one partner is into BDSM of some sort and the other…isn’t”. She’s really into my chastity, for example, and can be very dominant in bed.

    So, while she’s not into all of the things I am, the parts where we differ are mostly to do with particular sex acts (like pegging, for example), so there would be no way to replicate that online in a non-sexual way. It couldn’t be just submission; and I already have that with her, anyway.

    And, even if it all were possible, I’ve got a feeling we’d both think of it as cheating, seeing as this is something that has grown out of aspects of our relationship together.

    Anyway, thanks for your comments. I’ll continue to check your blog pretty often.

    Cheers,

    S.

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