Sweet Confusion

“Intolerance of Ambiguity is a hallmark of the Authoritarian Personality” – paraphrased from The Authoritarian Personality, 1950.

I think I may have had a brainwave today – that being submissive isn’t just about knowing what to do to make someone happy. It’s also about being able to handle situations in which you do not know what to do.

I think that, at the moment, I have very low ambiguity tolerance. I like to know exactly what things are, and exactly how to deal with them. I like rules and systems. If I were a leader or in a dominant position over a lover, I would probably be very clear in my directions, and also possibly very strict and autocratic. I also want this when Michelle leads me.

In one sense this trait makes me a good submissive because if Michelle behaves in an authoritarian way, I can instantly recognize this and respond to it. I respond well to the sort of things that I would do and say if I were dominant myself. If Michelle sorts out rules and systems for me I can easily follow them.

In another sense it makes me a bit of a handful, because in situations where I do not know or understand what is going on – maybe because she has not been clear, but maybe not –  I tend to get confused. And normally I do not like to be confused, so I ask for direction and instruction when she might not actually want to give me any.

Michelle, I think, has very high ambiguity tolerance, and often does not see a need to communicate clearly in situations of ambiguity. If she is happy then often there isn’t any need to say much, and then my confusion is my own problem, and usually of my own making. And I need to learn to deal with that.

I need to learn to accept that being confused is a natural part of being dominated by Michelle.

This occurred to me when I was thinking, as I do occasionally, about dominating a woman. I realised that no matter how many rules or instructions I laid out, there would always be situations where the girl did not know what to do. And in those situations, the best thing for her to do would be to say “I don’t know what to do. I’m confused.” And then just sit there.

After thinking about this for a while I realised it could be quite erotic. I can’t imagine a more sweet demonstration of submission from a lover than an open and honest declaration of genuine, dumbstruck confusion.

A situation like this – in which I am confused and do not know what to do – is only a problem if either of us think it’s a problem. That’s the tricky part. I will have to overcome my own natural tendency to see ambiguity as a problem, and to make Michelle say things are one way or another.

In addition, Michelle often responds to my confusion with the question “what’s wrong?”. I guess she has also become accustomed to thinking that I need to know and be sure, and so she tends to feel uncomfortable when she sees me struggling with uncertainty.

I think we both have some unlearning to do.

It could turn out that there’s nothing at all wrong with a sub in sweet confusion, just sitting there, not sure what to do.

2 thoughts on “Sweet Confusion

  1. Thinking about how you would react and behave if you were to take on the dominant role in your relationship must be a common thing among submissive men. I to sometimes imagine how I would react or cope if Jane came to me in the same way that I have approached her, offering herself in a submissive role. I expect that I would have been far more interested and adventurous about how I could treat her and do things that would be mutually satisfying.

    I don’t know whether its just because I have submissive sexual fantasies, or whether its just because I am a man, but I certain imagine that I would be far more willing to use that knowledge and power over Jane, especially if I knew just how much she would enjoyed it. There alas however is the big difference between men, whose minds are sexually motivated and focussed more on things erotic, and women who are not driven by a desire to indulge in such fantasies, or who may not even necessarily need the sexual arousal and satisfaction of regular orgasms.

  2. I’m aware that you and Jane haven’t had the easiest time, but I gotta say, that does seem a pretty selective take on what I wrote here.

    What about the other part of the post? How do you cope with ambiguity? Are you seeking the certainty of roles, schedules, rules, etc in your relationship? And is Jane a fairly ambiguous and fluid person who doesn’t like to be be scrutinised too closely?

    I know how hard this sort of thing is to put into practice. After I wrote this post, Michelle and I went to bed, and when we’d finished I ended up looking for certainty in an aspect of her behaviour by asking to her agree not to do one particular thing because it’s a turn off for me.

    I couldn’t just say the simple thing, could I? – “I’m sorry, that’s a turn off for me.”

    That’s what I should have said. But instead I tried to make a deal where she agreed not to do it, ever. I practically asked her to sign a memorandum.

    I think it’s ingrained in many of us to want certainty so that we can ensure the things we like and try to minimize or eradicate things we don’t like. But the thing is, when another person is involved, what we are doing is trying to hold them in one position so they are always one way and not another.

    For me, I’ve decided it’s better to live with the uncertainty. I don’t really have any right to know everything about Michelle, or to understand exactly how she will respond in every situation.

    I’m still thinking about the difference between this attitude and the attitude of simply trying to pretend you don’t have any wants or needs at all.

    I definitely have needs and I like them to be satisfied. But I don’t think I can make deals or systems where they are satisfied in a way that I can predict or control. I just have to let Michelle know how I feel, simply and clearly, and then it’s out of my hands.

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