The last week has been a good time for reflection; work is slow and we’ve been spending a lot of time together, and then all of a sudden, a penny has dropped. It isn’t a major, life-changing revelation, but something that has been crystallizing for a few years now, and has just become very clear; my wife can be kinda kinky, but is not very dominant outside of sex, most if the time.
When we first began this whole D/s journey – nascent conversations that occurred around five years ago now – I was of the opposite view, that my wife was primarily a dominant personality, very interested in having her needs served, but fundamentally she was not very kinky when it came to sex. Like a lot of guys in this situation, I started to kink on the idea of chastity and domestic submission, and hoped she would enjoy it enough to develop her dominant side in bed. I thought I wanted both the sex and the domestic submission. (I still do, in a way.)
I now find that almost the exact opposite is true of Michelle, and as far as I can see, it has been true the whole time. She is not particularly interested in being dominant in a domestic sense; I think it’s too much emotional work, she wants my input as an equal, and all sorts of other reasons besides. She likes some of the perks – like the extra money she gets, the things I buy her, and the ability be able to have the final say if she wants it, or to demand service if she wants it. But it is isn’t something she indulges in all the time. There are many times when three or four days will pass without the slightest hint of D/-ness in our household.I am used to that now.
On the other hand, it is now clear that Michelle is quite kinky, in her own fashion. She does like being rough and aggressive in bed and does so without any prompting from me. She does like restraining me, and putting me in positions where all I can do is whimper. She does like putting her own needs a long way above mine. And above all, she does like keeping me chaste, til I am so horny I can barely dial a phone number.
I guess chastity is the common element in this kind of situation, and a bit of a litmus test: it could just be a kink, done because she likes seeing me get all purple and desperate; or it could be about enforcing her control domestically. Well, the clincher is, I can’t remember a single occassion in which Michelle has used chastity to enforce her domestic control. She simply doesn’t say things like “you have to be well behaved if you want to come. ” It just isn’t her. The closest to this she she has ever done is to deny me her orgasms, usually when I annoy her by being too pushy.
What she does like is teasing me about how she might let me come at some distant point in the future, but for now I just have to put up with it. And she likes it when I go the gym all the time, and massage her, and buy her flowers and lingerie, and give her a good time in bed whenever she wants it. And that’s really about all she demands of me, mostly.
Looking back, I guess this invention of my wife was a natural but also pretty silly mistake to make; I had no idea Michelle would turn out to be kinky, and I had read so much stuff which said not to pressure women into being kinky that it didn’t occur to me that my wife actually was kinky to begin with. This was exaccerbated by my typically macho feelings that everything that happened would be about what I did, I suppose.
So now I’m in the situation of being pretty chuffed with the scene in my house, sex-wise, but feeling a bit daft because of this whole thing I constructed around the idea of domestic service, which was what I assumed she wanted, despite a lack of any real evidence to the affirmative, and plenty to the contrary.
Like I said, there is still part of me that hankers after the idea of structured domestic service enforced by Michelle, but I can also see that in a lot of ways it would also be a drag for both of us.
The good thing, like I said in my recent post on WLM, is to be able to finally see what the fanatsy was, and what the reality is.