Mistress of the Slow Reveal

The last week has been a good time for reflection; work is slow and we’ve been spending a lot of time together, and then all of a sudden, a penny has dropped. It isn’t a major, life-changing revelation, but something that has been crystallizing for a few years now, and has just become very clear; my wife can be kinda kinky, but is not very dominant outside of sex, most if the time.

When we first began this whole D/s journey – nascent conversations that occurred around five years ago now – I was of the opposite view, that my wife was primarily a dominant personality, very interested in having her needs served, but fundamentally she was not very kinky when it came to sex. Like a lot of guys in this situation, I started to kink on the idea of chastity and domestic submission, and hoped she would enjoy it enough to develop her dominant side in bed. I thought I wanted both the sex and the domestic submission. (I still do, in a way.)

I now find that almost the exact opposite is true of Michelle, and as far as I can see, it has been true the whole time. She is not particularly interested in being dominant in a domestic sense; I think it’s too much emotional work, she wants my input as an equal, and all sorts of other reasons besides. She likes some of the perks – like the extra money she gets,  the things I buy her, and the ability be able to have the final say if she wants it, or to demand service if she wants it. But it is isn’t something she indulges in all the time.  There are many times when three or four days will pass without the slightest hint of D/-ness in our household.I am used to that now.

On the other hand, it is now clear that Michelle is quite kinky, in her own fashion. She does like being rough and aggressive in bed and does so without any prompting from me. She does like restraining me, and putting me in positions where all I can do is whimper.  She does like putting her own needs a long way above mine. And above all, she does like keeping me chaste, til I am so horny I can barely dial a phone number.

I guess chastity is the  common element in this kind of situation, and a bit of a litmus test: it could just be a kink, done because she likes seeing me get all purple and desperate; or it could be about  enforcing her control domestically. Well, the clincher is, I can’t remember a single occassion in which Michelle has used chastity to enforce her domestic control. She simply doesn’t say things like “you have to be well behaved if you want to come. ” It just isn’t her. The closest to this she she has ever done is to deny me her orgasms, usually when I annoy her by being too pushy.

What she does like is teasing me about how she might let me come at some distant point in the future, but for now I just have to put up with it. And she likes it when I go the gym all the time, and massage her, and buy her flowers and lingerie, and give her a good time in bed whenever she wants it. And that’s really about all she demands of me, mostly.

Looking back, I guess this invention of my wife was a natural but also pretty silly mistake to make; I had no idea Michelle would turn out to be kinky, and I had read so much stuff which said not to pressure women into being kinky that it didn’t occur to me that my wife actually was kinky to begin with. This was exaccerbated by my typically macho feelings that everything that happened would be about what I did, I suppose.

So now I’m in the situation of being pretty chuffed with the scene in my house, sex-wise, but feeling a bit daft because of this whole thing I constructed around the idea of domestic service, which was what I assumed she wanted, despite a lack of any real evidence to the affirmative, and plenty to the contrary.

Like I said, there is still part of me that hankers after the idea of structured  domestic service enforced by Michelle, but I can also see that in a lot of ways it would also be a drag for both of us.

The good thing, like I said in my recent post on WLM, is to be able to finally see what the fanatsy was, and what the reality is.

5 thoughts on “Mistress of the Slow Reveal

  1. After reading your first few paragraphs, I thought to myself how close your description of your own relationship was to mine with Jane. It was also interesting to note that like me, your ideas about domestic service are also very similar. I too have been surprised just how “kinky” and demanding Jane has been in the bedroom, but like Michelle is not so interested about asserting her power and control outside the bedroom so much, at least not up until more recently. For the last few years, I have always felt that Jane was just “let” me take on more and more, “serving” her now as I do. The thing is that the longer you do something, the more accustomed your wife will become to having you do things for her. We are getting there but it has certainly taken far longer than I ever invisaged at the start of all this.

    As you say there is a large divide between reality and fantasy, but it is possible to bridge that gap. I realise now that any fantasies I had about being Jane’s slave or servant were entirely misplaced and would have been totally unrealistic to achieve. Having said that add a little more realism to your fantasy, combined with a growing accpetance and set of expectations from your wife, and stir the pot for a couple or three years and it is possible to meet half way. The one advantage that I can see in your own relationship with Michelle is that she seems totally comfortable with the idea of chastity which only goes to reinforce your feelings of being controlled. Lucky guy.

    An interesting thought, would you swap domestic servitude for orgasm denial, or would you like me desire both.

  2. The thing is that the longer you do something, the more accustomed your wife will become to having you do things for her. We are getting there but it has certainly taken far longer than I ever envisaged at the start of all this.

    I couldn’t do this. I don’t want to try to shape expectations in that way. Also, I am just not really interested in “getting there” and my wife has certainly never thought about D/s in these terms. We’re not a train. It happens when it happens.

    would you swap domestic servitude for orgasm denial, or would you, like me, desire both.

    I don’t think that is really up to me. I would certainly prefer chastity to being asked to do lots of housework, but I don’t know about ‘swapping’. Once again, it happens when it happens.


  3. Steve

    I have admire your relaxed attitude, maybe you have been at this longerr than I, did you mention five years?

    You say you couldn’t do this, but I wonder how much you did in the earlier days, in a time when you still had some expectation of what you thought a WLM should be like.

    I guess I am guilty of having expectations, also I do have a place that I want to get to. I feel that once I/we have got to a certain, I can relax and just let things flow, but I need to feel that Jane is enjoying the experience of having me submit to her and encourages rather than tolerates it, but that’s just me.

    I know it’s not up to you, these things never are, I just wonder what your preference was that’s all.

  4. but I wonder how much you did [try to shape your wife’s expectations] in the earlier days, in a time when you still had some expectation of what you thought a WLM should be like.

    OK, I think I need to explain something to you here.

    I find it quite irritating when others categorize / compare / dismiss my blog as a WLM blog. It isn’t, really. These days it is supposed to be more of a femdom art resource blog with some periodic ramblings about chastity, and the occasional post about how D/s does or doesn’t work. I want people to read it before they judge it, or not judge it. Superficiality won’t help you very much in this sort of situation.

    Looking back on this blog since September 2008: there have been some posts in which I have stated that I was very aware of my potential to bottom-top, and that was taking steps to overcome it, often by ridiculing it. In a similar way, I was aware of my foolish tendency to try to script my relationship so that I could declare that we had ‘arrived’. I posted about this in October 2008. But I can’t recall ever having complained that my wife was not accepting the control I was giving her, or stating that I needed to ‘keep trying’ until she got there.

    Basically, I haven’t done what you are describing very much. I have just described my growing awareness of the pitfalls of doing it and my resolution not to. I never had aspirations of a ‘WLM’ by that or any other name, especially anything involving contracts. I talked to Michelle quite a lot about the fact that serving her domestically was something I was interested in doing and that I would find very kinky, especially if she lounged around watching me. But the 24/7 slave thing hasn’t ever really been part of the deal; we’ve just had some scenes, weekends, weeks, holidays etc where it as like that, and it was fun.

    But I have always been wary of the kind of “if I do X, Michelle will start to do Y” kind of thinking. It’s Pavlovian; and quite apart from the ethics of it, she sees right through that kind of thing, and I suspect your Jane does too.

    I don’t mean to be harsh here, but you keep stressing similarities between our situations whereas I see considerable differences, based on the posts I have read on your own blog. To begin with, I cannot imagine having a blog that Michelle did not read.

    I am saying this because I am concerned that you are setting up aspects of my situation as an example of a possible end-goal, something to be obtained through your own persistence, and that you feel that a relaxed attitude is something that can come about after the rewards of hard work have been obtained, i.e:

    I feel that once I/we have got to a certain place, I can relax and just let things flow, but I need to feel that Jane is enjoying the experience of having me submit to her and encourages rather than tolerates it, but that’s just me.

    Well, I have to say this: a relaxed attitude is something that will come about when you relax. I think the only things I have done that have made any difference at all have been to tell my wife that I thought chastity could be funky, and practice it when she asked me to; tell her I liked the idea of her controlling me in bed, and then enjoying it when she did it; and tell her that I liked the idea of her having power over me, and then doing what she asked. Everything else was probably Pavlovian BS, a waste of time, or both.

  5. Steve

    I stand corrected….!!!!

    I apologise if you feel that any comparisons that I may have intimated that existed between our two situations, have been misrepresented.

    The point I was trying to make is that all, and yes I even include you in this, will I am sure at some point have had some “goals”, some desires, fantasies, call them what you want, and many I am sure will have been unrealistic. You may not recognise them or admit to them so clearly today, but I am sure you must have had some. There are many more men out there that will also have an “ideal” in mind, whether its for a WLM, FLR or any other type of relationship. My point is that we all do, but that you have to be realistic and adapt your ideals, inline with is realistic and mutually acceptable within your relationship.

    I applaud you for getting to the place where you are in your relationship with Michelle, and have been able to see the difference between fantasy and reality, something that I think we should all aspire to.

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