Things are always changing in my sex life. That’s why I hardly ever blog at the moment. As soon as I think one thing is happening, another thing rears up and the situation is quite different. I’m kinda getting used to it. But there’s almost no point saying anything much to the blogosphere. It’s all too fluid, but it’s also, always basically the same.
Michelle and I are having some difficulties. This is not unusual. We’ve been going through a change process in our lives for the last five years or so, with changing sexual and emotional needs as we get older, and now there’s friction mixed with love and passion in a way that wasn’t us about ten years ago, but is totally us, right now. We are in love and trouble. I still get freaked out by that combination.
The friction is sometimes about how to work with chastity and D/s dynamics, but really, it is based on a much deeper and more simple issue, and one that is much harder to address. I’d like Michelle to be more erotically focussed on me; she’d like me to be more romantically focussed on her.
My need for her erotic focus is way past simply saying that I’d like more sex. I would, but, also, it doesn’t necessarily bother me if we don’t have much sex, provided that when we do, it is charged and exciting and I feel as though she really desires it, and desires me.
But I feel as though she rarely thinks to initiate sex in a way that will make me feel wanted, needed, or emotionally connected with her, kinky or otherwise. She just assumes that I am going to be there, and she will wait til she feels ready, and then accept me. This means that I feel rejected a lot, but also, when we do have sex it still somehow feels like me putting it out there, even when she asks me. It still feels like part of her is holding back on her passion, and letting me make it happen.
The classic example: I wait a week or more, thinking eventually sex is going to come and it will be cool and she will be really into it, and I can wait. Then she says: “We could have sex tonight if you want. But nothing too full on, because I’m a bit tired. I’ll let you come if you want, though.”
No, I don’t want. I don’t want tired, medicinal sex that makes me feel like a patient getting a stress massage from a kindly but overworked nurse. I want my wife to want sex to the point where she pretty much falls in half.
So, basically, a lot of the sex we have is OK, often it’s great, but it doesn’t particularly make me feel wanted or desired in that way. It just makes me feel temporarily accepted. I don’t feel like she is passionate. Situations in which Michelle makes sex happen out of a strong desire occur about once or twice a year, maybe.
You’d think there’s be a simple solution: don’t accept the tired sex, stop offering all the time, and wait for her to come to me, even if this meant less sex, it would mean more passion. Well, I’ve tried this, quite a lot, and what happens is that she feels rejected and starts wondering where the passion went and worries that I don’t care for her any more. And then we end up having sex and its still like I’m the one putting out all the energy.
Part of being submissive for me is about having the other person being the one who makes the sex happen in a passionate way, a way that makes me feel as though I can surrender to it. Well, I’m not really getting that anywhere near as much as I would like.
Like I said, her issue is that she feels as though I equate sexual passion with love, and that I do not offer her romantic or caring gestures unrelated to sex often enough for her to feel properly loved and respected. She wants another kind of energy and doesn’t get it.
This may well be true, but I have some reservations about it.
The main one is that she equates passion and lust with love too, and that is why she feels insecure when I do not show this to her all the time, so I don’t feel that I am alone in feeling that way. Personally I think she just likes it that I am the one who has to risk rejection all the time.
The second thing is that I do show her these gestures from time to time and they seem to get subsumed into the ether, and often she acts like they are no big deal. So sometimes, it can just seem like more of my advances getting rejected.
Then lastly there is that old thing of thinking “why should I, when I don’t get what I want, either?”
I think we are both a bit stuck there. Not thinking, “what could I do?”,” but thinking “why should I?”
Then every now and then the passion boils over and we have sex and it is fabulous and I temporarily forget what the problem is, and I get confused because I can’t understand how you can be in love and in trouble at the same time.
But in the cold light of day I look at it and realise that once again, it was really me that went for her, and she let me, she soaked up my lust like a thirsty sponge, and left me feeling dry. Because at rock bottom she loves it that I am really into her, and doesn’t want it to change.
There are some changes to this pattern – we do have some sex now that is initiated by her, all her idea, and over which I have no control, and I am thankful and grateful for this. But I still feel like a thirsty man in the desert a lot of the time.
So yeah, we do chastity play sometimes, and talk a lot about sublimation, and sometimes kink around in bed (both ways in recent times) and in a lot of ways it is fun and all that, but there’s a mismatch, an imbalance, we both feel like there is too much going out, and not enough coming back in, and we both need diffrent types of energy from what the other person wants to give.
It’s a bummer. We’re not remotely interested in breaking up, so we just have to figure out, slowly, how to deal with this situation.
Anyway I’ll be back at some point…