Who’d have thunk it

Like a lot of guys, I have grown up with a strong focus on female orgasm as being a wonderful thing and a main goal in sex and intimacy.

This is partly because I always wanted to be one of the good guys – not a fuck ‘em and leave ‘em ‘player’ or a ‘roll over and go to sleep’ jerk who didn’t care about women’s pleasure and might as well be using a fuck doll. I heard women complain about those guys and didn’t want to be one so I started to think a lot about how to give my girlfriend a good time.

It’s also because, even though I’m not really macho, I have still been influenced by the competition between men to be ‘good at it’, the main indicator of success being the woman’s orgasm. I heard there were some guys who weren’t very good at it, and didn’t want to be one of those, either. I cringe when I see this competition taken to extremes online (“you’re not a real man unless you can make her come / scream / squirt / pass out, etc.), but I also want those things to happen, and like it when they do.

The third factor is that when I started having sex at age sixteen I quickly worked out that if my own orgasm was the end goal, then the whole thing wasn’t going to last very long because I could come pretty fast if there was no reason to hold back. Since then I have been progressively dialling back and reining in my own sexual response, sometimes to the point of deliberately avoiding kinds of stimulation that were going to send me over the edge, so that I could have the sort of sex where my partner ended up coming / screaming etc.  I focused on her response, not on mine.

I guess this is not unusual, and it’s fine up to a point; my wife appreciates my efforts when she’s feeling horny.

But the problem is that it used to place too much emphasis on her orgasms, and can make her feel pressured. She quite often likes sex that is not to orgasm, but just to make her feel nice. She also likes to decide when she comes. Sometime it’s only once a week but then it’s so hard she crashes like a fallen tree.  Other times she likes two or three at once, or, three times in two days. I have given up trying up predict it.

The excessive focus on her pleasure also denied her the power and joy of being the giver. In my twenties, we rarely had sex in which my pleasure was the focus. Shed start touching me in an erotic way and I’d just jump on her because I wanted to be the one to make her come.

This has changed over the last ten years. We now quite often have sex in which I am the receiver and she doesn’t really think about her own orgasm at all, and I don’t try to hijack what she wants by trying to get her off.

Recently she gave me a hand-job for like, forty-five minutes. (There have been a lot of other times like that lately but I think that was the longest). It’s awesome. She goes into this kind of dreamy ‘spaced out’ state and just focuses on my cock, which she loves, and I just lie there groaning. It doesn’t really matter if I come or not, by the end of it (and I didn’t, by the way). The experience of being touched like that is the main thing.

I’ve been wondering about this lot lately because I have previously written that when I am chaste, the main goal of sex is my wife’s orgasm, which I share. I know others have said the same. It’s kind of beautiful but in my relationship it can also be problematic. (I don’t know about others.)

I guess the trick with chastity might be to suspend your own orgasms but still focus on your own pleasure to some degree, and not demand orgasmic performance from the women that she is not comfortable with.

As it happens, we doing some chastity play at the moment, and the device is on me but it also spends time at the back of the wardrobe lately too.

The main thing is that I have decided that I’m not really interested in any orgasms that are not given by her. So, if she decided to give me one, I’ll have it, and if she decided to leave me hanging, then she can.

We don’t have anything any more complex than that going on.

But like I said in my last post, the experience of receiving from her is actually one of the most submissive experiences I have had. When I think about what I would want from her as a submissive, it is a vessel for sexual pleasure. So I feel that being a vessel for pleasure is a submissive act and I am getting steadily better at controlling my desires to the giver, the active one, and just letting her do what she wants to me.

I know if we do go back to chastity at any point, I will still retain my role as someone who often receives, and not focus too heavily on her unless she asks for it.

Receiving as submission? Who’d have think it?

3 thoughts on “Who’d have thunk it

  1. I really appreciate this post. In my chastity experience, it’s been about migrating from “my sexual cycle” to “her sexual cycle”. But she struggles with the pressure of THAT. So, we’re both trying to find the right cycle, with mine off the table, the options are open. It might be her, but it also might be “none of the above”, which we’re finding is okay too. It’s a new world to “just play” – she’s not focused on my release, and I’m focused on hers, but only if she wants that. And a lot of times, somewhere “in between” is the right answer. And that’s okay, too!

  2. I can relate to your post. We are not as into chastity anymore, but she does deny me occasionally, and it is fun when “sex is for her pleasure” and if I do orgasm, it’s sort of incidental. When I am in “sub space”, I probably do put excessive pressure on her to climax, because I want her to be satisfied and I frankly just enjoy her orgasms – to the extent that I sometimes even prefer them to my own. Like you said, there are times when she just doesn’t want to climax (hard for the male mind to relate to, I’m afraid) and I am trying to just accept that… but it’s hard.

    Certainly, when we were first married, my focus was in getting my own “relief” and it was all about me, although I certainly wanted her to come also. I am with you, sexual attention that doesn’t result in my own orgasm is very very satisfying on its own.

  3. Thanks for your words guys.

    BtB – “And a lot of times, somewhere “in between” is the right answer. And that’s okay, too!”

    We’re learning the same thing – just play, without anything definite on the table. And its okay for us, too.

    Paul – It’s funny that we seem to have come from pretty different places and ended up in the same or at least a similar place. I never went through a phase of being focused on getting relief. I was always focused on her and not me. It just got more like that when we started with chastity.

    We still like some sessions where it is all about her. But a new kind of session has been developing where it’s all about me, but I might not get to come.

    The other interesting thing is I am actually finding having periods of chastity has increased my ability to have sexual pleasure. I can be focused on me, but not on orgasm.

    Man, I’m rambling now. I haven’t come in a while (ten days) and that old excited feeling is back.

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