The blogger at At All Times commented a while back that in our decision not to pursue an FLR or any similar style of arrangement, we had effectively ‘moved the goalposts’.
I found this challenging and have thought about what it means since then. I haven’t really touched base with that blogger for a while, but at the time, his blog was about an attempt to realise an FLR -which was always his goal – and hoping that his wife would come to see the virtues of that style of relationship. He was often frustrated but kept trying because he wanted that FLR pretty damn bad.
I have also encountered another attitude on kink sex blogs which is essentially that in order to make a kinky relationship work you basically need to find someone who shares your kinks, and then go from there. There isn’t any point trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your kinks, and trying to do that will only lead to frustration. We’ve all seen blogs where the married submissive ends up all angsty because their partner isn’t really dominant (or, not in way that they would like), and I suppose the attitude that you should “put your needs first and then find a compatible partner” is pretty reasonable. No-one wants to be frustrated like that.
In my case, this wasn’t an option. I wasn’t kinky when I married my wife, and she wasn’t either. Either that, or we didn’t know we were. This raises a question: do people start out with a definite, fixed sexuality that is gradually revealed through self-knowledge?
If that is the case, then some of us seem to know when we are young, and are able to find a compatible partner, while others do not know, and take more time to become who we really are.
Or, alternately, do we change and develop different predilections as we get older, or go through phases in which things are very important to us, while at other times they are not?
So far as I can tell, for me the second thing is true. So, even though the “kink first and then find a partner” idea makes some sense, I can still see there being the same kind of problems down the track, because even if you started out in the same place, you might not change and develop in the same direction.
This is coming from the perspective of someone who wants a life partner. Maybe it’s different if you are open to changing partners when you change, and finding someone who suits your new needs. I’m not really open to that, so I just work with what comes. Even if I was open to changing partners, it would have been a mistake to jump on the first emergence of my kink as being ‘the real me’ and sought a compatible partner because I would have been left frustrated in two years’ time, and then had to do it again. And then again.
I guess some people can do this, but I couldn’t. Also, sexual predilection is really only one factor in a good relationship. I read amazingly sexy stuff by people who would be totally kink-compatible with me right now, but who I probably couldn’t have a conversation with, and, don’t like the look of, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that kink-compatibility and sexual chemistry are different.
I know from experience that it is possible to have amazing sex with someone who doesn’t share all my kinks right now. I’m equally sure it would be possible to have dreadful sex with someone who ticks all the right boxes, but something is just missing.
Basically, I’m not sure kink is the best thing to put first for me. I think emotional compatibility is the thing to put first, and my relationship is based on that. Kinks and predilections are basically subordinate to it.
So yeah, I guess I am the sort of person who moves the goalposts when it comes to my sexual kinks predilections. If they work out, cool. If they don’t, I’ll find something that does. And right now, I am not particularly frustrated. I’m kinda curious and excited, and confused sometimes, but if experience is anything to go by, there’s some good stuff going to happen, soon.
PS this was actually written on ms word, a while ago. When I came to log in to comment on Tom Allen’s blog I realised I had forgotten my password. That’s how non-bloggy I am right now.