Time to talk about men, again. That’s the pattern of this, by the way. Masturbation, men, and my life as it was last year.
When I go out with a guy, I like to test them out. I partly do it to see if they can defend themselves. But there’s also a few things about sex that I really need to know before I will consider going out with someone.
I went out on a single date with this guy Bill, a barman, earlier on in the year, because he’d asked me out while I was in his pub. We went to another place, a gastro-pub, one of those ones with booths around the edges, and he’d made sure we got one. He was decent looking and confident and quite funny, and I thought I might be interested in him, so I got down to the testing pretty much straight away, as soon as we’d ordered.
‘Can I ask you some questions?’ I asked.
‘Do you find me attractive?’
He laughed. ‘Yep. You could say that.’
‘Do you want to go to bed with me?’
He laughed again. ‘Wow. You’re pretty direct. Yes, I definitely want to go to bed with you, Joanne.’
‘OK. Do you masturbate? I know that’s direct as well, but I’m just interested.’
‘Um. Yes, I masturbate. Do you normally do this on dates?’
‘Yes, I do. What do you think about when you masturbate?’ I asked.
Now he stopped laughing and lowered his voice. ‘Wow, you really give a guy the third degree, don’t you? Why do you want to know that?’
‘I’m just really curious. You don’t have to answer.’
He puffed out his chest a bit. ‘No. OK, I’ll answer. To be honest I usually think about women, and being in bed with them.’
‘What’s happening in the bed?’
‘This is the most intense first date I have ever had!’ he said. ‘What’s happening in the bed is that, um, the girl I am with is having a really great time. And before you ask, yes, I have thought about giving you a good time.’
‘I wasn’t going to ask that. Do you think about the girl giving you a good time?’
‘Um…no, not as often. Hold on a second. What do you think about? Do you masturbate?’
‘Yes,’ I said, poker faced. ‘I do it all the time. I did it before you picked me up actually. And I usually think about how good my vagina feels.’
(That last part wasn’t actually true. I think about men all the time. I just don’t think about them giving me a good time.)
‘Hmmm. That’s hot,’ he said. You’re wild, you know that?’
‘Thanks, I guess. Anyway, do you still want to go to bed with me later?’
‘Definitely,’ he said.
‘I want to give you a blow job,’ I said. His eyed widened for about the fourth time in the conversation.
‘Wow. Great. I’d like to return the favour.’
‘Hmmm. That won’t be necessary. Like I said I already sorted myself out before you came to get me. But thanks.’
His face fell, and I knew I couldn’t be with him. That was confirmed afterwards. I gave him the blow job, and then he started asking me if I wanted to come.
‘No, I already said. Thanks, but no thanks.’
‘You’re sure? You might find that if you tried for a while, you’ll get horny again.’
And there it is. The attempt to take my vagina away from me, and use it to give me “a good time.”
I am definitely not interested in this guy.