Nearly Three Weeks

Non-device chastity at the 19-day mark. This period has included her birthday which was a sex fest weekend.

Somewhat surprisingly, I am not feeling mega-horny. This is partly because Michelle is sick, but that only accounts for the last four days. Before that it has just been kinda normal, business as usual, chastity.

I have, on one occasion, asked Michelle if she was going to make me come that evening when we were having sex. Her response was simply that if I liked being denied for long periods, then that was what was going to happen so I’d better get used to it. Apart from that, we haven’t mentioned it much.

While she has been sick, I don’t think she has been particularly focused on anything sexual (which is not surprising). Before that, I think she has (mostly) been aware of my lack of orgasms. But because I haven’t been overtly horny around her, she hasn’t been making a big deal out of denying me.

Somehow, not coming for 3 weeks has become low key and normalised.

In terms of mood I am periodically a bit irritable, but I am also more sunny and positive than usual, so I suspect the hormone boost is amplifying some of my normal mood states, although not to extreme levels.

All this seems OK to me. If I am to make long-tem chastity a realistic part of my life, it can’t be on my mind all the time, and it can’t be a “special” thing all the time either. It’s a bit like dieting, maybe. If you spend the whole time thinking about food, the weight isn’t going to stay off. It only works if you change your basic relationship with food.

In this case, I don’t think our relationship can sustain an obsessive focus on my orgasm or lack thereof – it has to become something normalised. It will only work if I change my whole way of thinking about orgasms. They are something I don’t get to have much, and that’s just the deal. In the meantime, it’s my job to make use of the energy for other things.

This cold be heading down a kind of tantric path, maybe, although I have never previously had the focus or concentration for that to any serious degree. We will see what happens.

Wifey Wank (The Sudden Switch)

Steve when masturbating. He’s horny in that particular way. He fancies being married to a sex-crazed blonde with giant tits. Like Wifey, here.

wifeyShe’s orally fixated. She’s proud of it. She loves it all over her. Oh baby.

She’s enormous. She used to go in wet t-shirt competitions and win, before Steve forbade her when they were engaged. Oh yeah.

She does her best at the housework, which is her main job other than pleasing Steve with her body. She’s not the brightest. But with everything else she’s got going for her, it doesn’t really matter…

She’ll age well. She spends a lot of time at the gym. She keeps herself nice for Steve.  Like a good wifey should.

And best of all. she loves being pumped, any time, any place. She’s aching for it during the day when Steve’s at work. But she’s faithful. She’ll wait for him, and then present herself for his pleasure, like a good wifey should. Oh yeah…

Then Steve comes.

Wait, what the FUCK was he thinking just five seconds ago? He would HATE to be married to a woman like that.

What he actually wants is this woman…she runs a successful bakery, knows Arabic and Karate, and only wants it twice a week…

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Sex is for the Woman’s Pleasure

3 On one level I thoroughly agree with the principal expressed in this here artwork. Most of the best sex I have ever had was when Michelle and I both concentrated on her pleasure. The fact that she is often totally fine with that is a major turn on for me. The idea that she has kept me chaste for long periods to increase my eagerness to please her – that’s an even bigger turn-on, when it happens. 2 On the other hand – periodic episodes of sex that are expressly for my benefit are fine too. As I have said before, I know she can feel a bit pressured by being the Orgasm Queen (her words) because it means that sex has to be about her pleasure even when she does not feel like coming. Sex that is for me takes that pressure off. Generally in our relationship the ration is about 80/20 in favour of sex that is for her pleasure. Sometimes we have sex that goes nowhere and neither of us some and that is fine too.) So that sums up where we are at in terms of who the sex is for.

In terms of denial – I’d say that I can keep myself chaste in the short term, but in order for a chastity dynamic to work for me in the long term, I need some acknowledgement that she is denying me for her own benefit. It’s been that way since the beginning of this blog, 7 years ago. At various stages in our relationship Michelle has enforced my chastity. We are not in one right now but I am hopeful we might get back there again.

I guess this is why submissively inclined men draw pictures like this – to portray women saying the things they would like to hear from an appreciative partner. And I also guess there are a lot of men out there who cannot get the women in their lives to accept their kink, at all. Some women seem to embrace it whole-heartedly. My wife is kind of half and half.

Incidentally – does anyone know who these drawings are by? S/he leaves no signature, only a signature style. If there are any more, I’d love to know about them. I think this one is by the same artist but I am not sure. The perky nipples look like the same style to me. 1

Use It Or Lose It

I’ve been reading a great book lately on brain plasticity, by Norman Doidge, called The Brain That Changes Itself.

It’s about the way in which brain mapping operates. Conventional wisdom of the ‘localizationist’ school says that that brain is hardwired from early childhood and once our mental map is set, that’s it.  Our hands are controlled by one area of ‘cortical real estate’, our language use by another, and if there is any damage to that area, we lose use of the ability or body part that it was connected with.

Doidge, and many others of the ‘adult brain plasticity’ school, now argue that in fact brain plasticity extends throughout life and it is therefore possible to train areas of the brain to do new things even in old age. For example, if a stroke victim is forced to use his ‘unusable’ arm, after a while the brain map will change and neurons that were formerly being used for something else will start to link to that arm. This has been tested, repeatedly, and is now pretty much accepted as hard scientific fact.

But the book isn’t just about strokes, cerebral palsy, and brain damage. Doidge looks at the way mental disorders, addictions and also sexual kinks, operate. In terms of sexuality, he argues that areas of the brain are ‘mapped’ to respond to certain things – so for instance, a person may map their brain to respond to pain as pleasure, or to accept rough dominating treatment as love and affection.

Again, conventional wisdom was that this process of sexual mapping occurred in childhood and once a person’s sexual predilections were set there was no way of ‘getting the kink out’. Even the word ‘kink’ implies that most folks are a straight metal rod, but some are warped in childhood and after that, the kink is there forever. But for Doidge, the very existence of kink is proof of adult brain plasticity and he finds it remarkable that an adult brain is still so flexible that with the right training, it can take pleasure as pain.

Doidge also looks at pornography addiction and gives examples of adults who have spent so much time on the internet looking at kinky material that they have effectively ‘mapped’ their brain to be kinky. According to Doidge, kinks can be learned in this way, and also unlearned if the activity stops. The the porn industry has created an increasing tolerance in many users, so that they need more and more graphic – and violent – images in order to be stimulated – hence the current explosion of BDSM porn. Looking at such porn daily and getting small dopamine releases from each image creates the perfect conditions for brain mapping, he says.

In another section, Doidge argues that brain plasticity is competitive. For example, if I do not practice my guitar for six months, parts of the cortical real estate that hold the muscle memories I use will start to be colonized by skills that I am actually using in that period. The brain may be visualized as a coral reef with all sorts of different skills vying for a foothold on the rock below.

Basically this means that in terms of our brain and specific abilities or interests, we either use it or lose it. Even things as seemingly hardwired as walking could be unlearned if you did not do them for a long enough period.

I have three different responses to all of that.

First – it explains how training submissiveness works. I have seen this is my own life in various phases where Michelle and I were into a strong D/s dynamic. You can train the mind, for example, to feel a submissive rush of pleasure and obedience when you smell a certain smell or are talked to a certain way. Pavlov and the behaviourists knew it was true – now the neuro-psychologists know why. Your brain changes itself to make it happen, because you tell it to do so.

Second, it helps me to put into perspective my feelings about sexual frequency with Michelle. My desire to make sure that we have sex with a certain regularity has often seemed to be a simple matter of horniness or eagerness, but in fact, I am quite capable of refraining from sex for quite long periods, just so long as I can be assured that it will not change the underlying pattern.

My real concern is that things will slowly decline, through the gradual process of life getting in the way, to the point where once a week is normal, then once every ten days, once a fortnight, and after a while the brain will be mapped to accept this as normal – or hers will, and mine won’t.

Doidge writes that many adults do not exercise their brains to lean new skills or even to properly maintain existing ones. The huge increase in Alzheimer’s and the general weakening of functions in older life is not necessarily natural or inevitable, or hormonal, or biological. It happens to a great degree because if we don’t use it, we lose it.

I am sure that there are some people that do ‘sexcercise’ which strengthens libido and expands the amount of brain-space connected with sexual desire. I can’t see us doing that, because Michelle dislikes any notion that sex is a kind of work, and deliberately mapping the brain to be more sexually responsive would indeed be a kind of work.

But it is still nice to have a new perspective on precisely what I am concerned about. I’m not worried about not having a sex life now. But I admit I am a concerned about not having much of  a sex life in fifteen years time.

My last response to reading Doidge is to question if I have always been kinky. When I first began this blog I assumed that I had kinks that were ‘latent’ and had come about in later life, after having been hidden in my twenties. I now accept the possibility that my kink has been learned, at last in part, through exposure to the blogosphere and the net in general. When I began this blog I thought it was going to be about the amazing sensations I had when I refrained from ejaculating for a while. It has turned into several other things over the years.

I’m not complaining – I like kinky stuff, it’s fun, and I am happy to be on the ride – but the notion of being ‘hardwired kinky’ now seems very questionable.

And all this raises the possibility that there are many folks out there who have mapped their brains to think they have an overwhelming and deep-seated desire for a particular kind of relationship, but in fact, they have trained themselves on the internet to have the desire, and it isn’t very deep-seated at all.

Package Deal

As per usual, me and Michelle have been going through highs and lows – some great times, but also some real lows lately. Funny how they seem to come together. We both wish they didn’t.

Since this is a chastity / femdom blog I will mostly limit my observations to stuff about that, but suffice to say that issues that plague many modern marriages – division of time and labour, sex, money, social issues – also plague ours.

A particular issue that has been coming up lately – close to an impending move and life change – is that when I am chaste I naturally begin to become submissively inclined. I do not mean “cleaning the toilet with a toothbrush” inclined. I mean, wanting to feel a submissive rush during sex or companionship.

Michelle likes me wearing the device and has begun to actually insist on it. She gets quite turned on when I am locked up while pleasuring her, and likes it when it gets taken off, and she gets to see me stand to attention. But in her mind, that is a separate thing to having the sort of sex where she is dominant with me. She likes the device, quite separate from anything else. (She does like other stuff too, on occasion).

But I have told her that when the device goes on, I start to feel the need to please her, and also, to feel a submissive rush. So in my mind, the two are connected.

“So it’s a package deal?” she asked.

“I guess it is. That’s how I feel,” I said. And we both worry that eventually my neediness when the device is on will spill over into bottom-topping, or open fighting.

We’ve agreed to keep a close eye on this as we do not want things fucking up while we are in the middle of the stresses of a big move. The device is on at the moment, but might be going away for a while, while we are settling in.

I find it difficult to imagine how the two things could be separate. In my mind, wearing this thing is so obviously a symbol of submission, and an extension of the desire to feel the rush of a submissive. But it seems to turn her on, quite independently of that. Life can be strange.

Moving the Goalposts

The blogger at At All Times commented a while back that in our decision not to pursue an FLR or any similar style of arrangement, we had effectively ‘moved the goalposts’.

I found this challenging and have thought about what it means since then. I haven’t really touched base with that blogger for a while, but at the time, his blog was about an attempt to realise an FLR -which was always his goal – and hoping that his wife would come to see the virtues of that style of relationship. He was often frustrated but kept trying because he wanted that FLR pretty damn bad.

I have also encountered another attitude on kink sex blogs which is essentially that in order to make a kinky relationship work you basically need to find someone who shares your kinks, and then go from there. There isn’t any point trying to have a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your kinks, and trying to do that will only lead to frustration. We’ve all seen blogs where the married submissive ends up all angsty because their partner isn’t really dominant (or, not in way that they would like), and I suppose the attitude that you should “put your needs first and then find a compatible partner” is pretty reasonable. No-one wants to be frustrated like that.

In my case, this wasn’t an option. I wasn’t kinky when I married my wife, and she wasn’t either. Either that, or we didn’t know we were. This raises a question: do people start out with a definite, fixed sexuality that is gradually revealed through self-knowledge?

If that is the case, then some of us seem to know when we are young, and are able to find a compatible partner, while others do not know, and take more time to become who we really are.

Or, alternately, do we change and develop different predilections as we get older, or go through phases in which things are very important to us, while at other times they are not?

So far as I can tell, for me the second thing is true. So, even though the “kink first and then find a partner” idea makes some sense, I can still see there being the same kind of problems down the track, because even if you started out in the same place, you might not change and develop in the same direction.

This is coming from the perspective of someone who wants a life partner. Maybe it’s different if you are open to changing partners when you change, and finding someone who suits your new needs. I’m not really open to that, so I just work with what comes. Even if I was open to changing partners, it would have been a mistake to jump on the first emergence of my kink as being ‘the real me’ and sought a compatible partner because I would have been left frustrated in two years’ time, and then had to do it again. And then again.

I guess some people can do this, but I couldn’t. Also, sexual predilection is really only one factor in a good relationship. I read amazingly sexy stuff by people who would be totally kink-compatible with me right now, but who I probably couldn’t have a conversation with, and, don’t like the look of, anyway. And I’m pretty sure that kink-compatibility and sexual chemistry are different.

I know from experience that it is possible to have amazing sex with someone who doesn’t share all my kinks right now. I’m equally sure it would be possible to have dreadful sex with someone who ticks all the right boxes, but something is just missing.

Basically, I’m not sure kink is the best thing to put first for me. I think emotional compatibility is the thing to put first, and my relationship is based on that. Kinks and predilections are basically subordinate to it.

So yeah, I guess I am the sort of person who moves the goalposts when it comes to my sexual kinks predilections. If they work out, cool. If they don’t, I’ll find something that does. And right now, I am not particularly frustrated. I’m kinda curious and excited, and confused sometimes, but if experience is anything to go by, there’s some good stuff going to happen, soon.

PS this was actually written on ms word, a while ago. When I came to log in to comment on Tom Allen’s blog I realised I had forgotten my password. That’s how non-bloggy I am right now.

Who’d have thunk it

Like a lot of guys, I have grown up with a strong focus on female orgasm as being a wonderful thing and a main goal in sex and intimacy.

This is partly because I always wanted to be one of the good guys – not a fuck ‘em and leave ‘em ‘player’ or a ‘roll over and go to sleep’ jerk who didn’t care about women’s pleasure and might as well be using a fuck doll. I heard women complain about those guys and didn’t want to be one so I started to think a lot about how to give my girlfriend a good time.

It’s also because, even though I’m not really macho, I have still been influenced by the competition between men to be ‘good at it’, the main indicator of success being the woman’s orgasm. I heard there were some guys who weren’t very good at it, and didn’t want to be one of those, either. I cringe when I see this competition taken to extremes online (“you’re not a real man unless you can make her come / scream / squirt / pass out, etc.), but I also want those things to happen, and like it when they do.

The third factor is that when I started having sex at age sixteen I quickly worked out that if my own orgasm was the end goal, then the whole thing wasn’t going to last very long because I could come pretty fast if there was no reason to hold back. Since then I have been progressively dialling back and reining in my own sexual response, sometimes to the point of deliberately avoiding kinds of stimulation that were going to send me over the edge, so that I could have the sort of sex where my partner ended up coming / screaming etc.  I focused on her response, not on mine.

I guess this is not unusual, and it’s fine up to a point; my wife appreciates my efforts when she’s feeling horny.

But the problem is that it used to place too much emphasis on her orgasms, and can make her feel pressured. She quite often likes sex that is not to orgasm, but just to make her feel nice. She also likes to decide when she comes. Sometime it’s only once a week but then it’s so hard she crashes like a fallen tree.  Other times she likes two or three at once, or, three times in two days. I have given up trying up predict it.

The excessive focus on her pleasure also denied her the power and joy of being the giver. In my twenties, we rarely had sex in which my pleasure was the focus. Shed start touching me in an erotic way and I’d just jump on her because I wanted to be the one to make her come.

This has changed over the last ten years. We now quite often have sex in which I am the receiver and she doesn’t really think about her own orgasm at all, and I don’t try to hijack what she wants by trying to get her off.

Recently she gave me a hand-job for like, forty-five minutes. (There have been a lot of other times like that lately but I think that was the longest). It’s awesome. She goes into this kind of dreamy ‘spaced out’ state and just focuses on my cock, which she loves, and I just lie there groaning. It doesn’t really matter if I come or not, by the end of it (and I didn’t, by the way). The experience of being touched like that is the main thing.

I’ve been wondering about this lot lately because I have previously written that when I am chaste, the main goal of sex is my wife’s orgasm, which I share. I know others have said the same. It’s kind of beautiful but in my relationship it can also be problematic. (I don’t know about others.)

I guess the trick with chastity might be to suspend your own orgasms but still focus on your own pleasure to some degree, and not demand orgasmic performance from the women that she is not comfortable with.

As it happens, we doing some chastity play at the moment, and the device is on me but it also spends time at the back of the wardrobe lately too.

The main thing is that I have decided that I’m not really interested in any orgasms that are not given by her. So, if she decided to give me one, I’ll have it, and if she decided to leave me hanging, then she can.

We don’t have anything any more complex than that going on.

But like I said in my last post, the experience of receiving from her is actually one of the most submissive experiences I have had. When I think about what I would want from her as a submissive, it is a vessel for sexual pleasure. So I feel that being a vessel for pleasure is a submissive act and I am getting steadily better at controlling my desires to the giver, the active one, and just letting her do what she wants to me.

I know if we do go back to chastity at any point, I will still retain my role as someone who often receives, and not focus too heavily on her unless she asks for it.

Receiving as submission? Who’d have think it?