Back in the Saddle

After a long absence, I return to the blogo-sphere with the joyous news that Michelle and I are back in a ‘proper’ relationship. That’s how I think of a D/s relationship now. A ‘normal’ vanilla relationship with none of the power issues addressed is tolerable, but fundamentally unsatisfying in the long run. A ‘proper’ relationsip is one in which we both get to chill, and be who we are.

 I went away at the end of February over the weekend, and came back to a quiet house with a chilled and happy looking Michelle  who was visibly pleased to see me and soon showed it. She has gradually settled in to a life away from work, and lots of stuff around the house has now been resolved. In addition, she is also starting to sort out a long-standing health  issue which has been draining her of energy. Basically, she’s getting better, and it shows. She is very lovely at the moment.

The actual conversation was quite simple.  It happened on Monday night.

“Hey, so, are we on?” I said. We had said we were going to review our situation  at the end of Feb, so she knew exactly what I was talking about.

“Hmmmm. Yes. Yes, I think we are.”

“So…do we need to talk about anything?

“No. We don’t.”

That was really about it.

Then she took me to bed and made me come, while she did not as she had helped herself out the night before, while I was away. Strange way to consumate my impending chastity; maybe there was an element of “this is what you haven’t got to look forward to…”

 In the end I’m kind of glad there was no heavy conversaton about what it all meant, or what roles we each had to take on. She knows that she can expect me to be generally good-natured and pliable, and also very horny, but also to slip up occssionaly and be anxious and controlling. I know I can expect her to be herself, and wonderfully selfish in bed, but also that in lots of situtions, she is not a  leader, and sometimes I will have to assert myself just to get things done right, for the both of us.

Sometimes I think of myself as being like  a horse. When I am given my head we go places, but it isn’t always that relaxing for her. When she is in control, I spend a lot of time hanging out by the side of the road eating buttercups  while she admires the view.

She’s back in the saddle now; life is slowing down.

Is this the real life?

Or is this just fantasy?

(Oh, Freddie!!!)

Ahem. I’ve been going through one of those phases lately where I’ve been wondering if this whole D/s thing is actually for real or not.  Here’s a peek at both perpectives.

This is me in a doubtful frame of mind:

I guess technically you could say we’ve finished our move, in the sense that we are no longer actually moving, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t gaping holes in the fabric of daily life. Internet still isn’t on at home, house is a pigsty, several rooms are full of boxes, and there’s just no system to anything, it’s all too new.  We’ve been talking about finances and logistics more than anything else, and squabbling a fair bit. Not sexy.

One thing that has changed is that I am now at work while Michelle is at home. So, while I’m out working, she’s either at home or out spending money. But this would be a lot sexier if she was out buying herself clothes rather than things like new wardrobe doors – she’s as busy as I am, just with getting things in order. Not sexy.

All in all it’s been a low point for us as a D/s couple and as a couple generally, and we’ve been having a lot less sex than before. I guess D/s is a pretty high energy state for a relationship, and when life makes other demands, it just gets put on hold. But…for how long?

This is me in a more reflective, realistic frame of mind:

 Hold on…despite the fact that there’s not really been much in the way of overt domination on a day-to-day basis, the following things are still true:

  • Michelle refuses to let me come most of the time. I only get to come when I’m inside her and she wants to feel it at the same time as she comes.
  • I am doing nearly all the laundry, dishes, gardening and so on. I end up doing it because she doesn’t do it, and then when I get home it’s all there for me to do. She does the cooking, but has said that when she gets sick of it, I can do it in the evenings.
  • She’s quite happy to take control of the household finanaces and spend extra money on herself whenever she feels like it…

So maybe we haven’t lapsed nearly as much as I think we have. Instead, what is happening is that I am starting to get used to things, and take them for granted. Staying chaste no longer seems like a Herculean effort, it’s just normal, and doing her bidding no longer seems unusual either. I’m just not seeing that the basic D/s patterm is still there unless I step back from our life and take a proper look at what is going on.  Then I realise everything is fine.

So overall, I’m not feeling too worried about any of this. A few years ago I would have probably responded by voicing concerns that Michelle ‘wasn’t being dominant enough’ or something, but now I think I know better. She’ll find her way back into it, in her own time. It can’t be high energy all the time…

I think we’ll struggle through til New Year and then 2009 is going to be awesome. That’s what I think.

On the subject of this blog:

 As I said, the ‘internet’ in our house at present consists of a tangled heap of cables and a lot of swearing and minor tantrums. So this blog will continue to progress at a very slow pace until that gets sorted, as I can’t post on it from work.

The only thing that has happened here of any note during my absence is that I have been discovered by a character known as Thumper, whose blog you should definitely check if you can see the funny side to male submission and denial.

Oh, and Vanessa  from www.fetishfurniturefactory.com has asked me to check out her new instructions for building your own queening chair. There’s a post I’m looking forward to writing. Maybe next week…

Steve.

Armpit Hypnotism

(Drafted in September…)

Michelle’s armpits drive me insane. They smell salty, tangy, meaty, powerful and thoroughly dominant.

Even without chastity, the smell from them is enough to make me want to be near her and to please her. If I’ve been chaste for anything more than about two days, the smell makes me rock hard in an instant and I feel almost light-headed with desire. They just make me want to fuck her, and make sure she is happy and all her needs are met. I guess, biologically, that is their role.

She’s we’ll aware of this. She often wears tops that leave them exposed, and if she asks me to do something for her, she sometimes accentuates the instruction by spreading her arms out to the side, or even putting them up by her head so I can see the stubble. “Get me a drink will you honey?”

Even more powerful is when she directs my nose into her armpit and gives me orders. Sometimes this is when we are around the house and she wants to make sure things get done. She’ll raise her arm, point to the pit and guide my head in there. “Get your nose in there, cutie.”

After a few whiffs she begins instruction. “I want the house tidied today before people come over. I’ll be in my room having a lie down.”

“OK, sure.”

Then she’s off, leaving me with the smell.

Best of all is when she instructs me to smell her when we’re in bed, like during a fuck we had recently. All of a sudden I found my body pinned by her legs and my head locked away in her armpit and then she started telling me the score.

“OK, here’s what you need to understand. You want to serve and obey me all the time. You can never do enough for me. The merest touch from me makes you quiver with delight. You are not allowed to come unless I say so. You…”

“Stop!” I cried out. Nothing makes me want to come faster than being spoken to like this. Within about fifteen seconds I was on the edge of orgasm.

“OK,” she sighed, and stopped grinding her cunt on my cock.

It took me a minute to calm down, then I pleaded with her to tell me more.

“No. That’s all,’ she said. And I think I understand why. Who wants a lover who only lasts fifteen seconds?

Anyway, I think her armpits open up my subconscious and just generally make me feel more receptive to instruction. Not everything she says gets in, but I can feel some of her words rattling around in my mind for weeks afterwards. In particular, the phrase, “you can never do enough for me” is now deeply imbedded in my mind and pops into my head when I first see see her in the evening.

I asked her about the wisdom of this. “You’re sure you want me thinking that? I could get pretty neurotic if I think I’m never enough for you.”

“I’m OK with it so far. If I need to tweak it, I will,” she said.

I guess she could, too.

The really odd thing is, we’ve tried other kinds of hypnosis and none of it has worked as well. She has even made a recording of a script in which she repeatedly instructed me on all the different ways she wanted to be served, lasting about half an hour. I’ve listened to that about fifty times, and I don’t think any of it has sunk in to the same degree as the single lines she has said to me when I have my head in her armpit and I am on the edge of orgasm.

It’s just a very receptive, submissive place to be.

Leading, Following, and Coming of Age

OK, time to get serious for a moment…

Looking around at blogs by a few other submissive guys, I can see a common theme – how to work through the paradox of a man leading a woman into a female led-relationship. Good to know we’re not the only ones who have struggled with that! (I’m talking in particular about some posts on All for Her, but I see this kind of thing around in other places too.)

It seems there’s nothing really wrong with it, to begin with. The man, who has had submissive urges for a while, plucks up the courage and lays it out for his partner to see – “this is who I really am, this is what I want for us”.

If he’s lucky, she begins to experiment with the power she’s been given, decides she likes the control and the domestic peace it affords, and the whole thing takes off from there.

The problem for me is that over the last few years I have put so much energy into creating the right environment for this kind of D/s relationship that I almost don’t know how to stop. I have had a lot of practice in leading, and not so much at the following.

Partly, I’ve been scared that without constant input from me the whole thing will fall by the wayside. (We’ve had false starts before.) I used to feel like when she did something bossy and wonderful, I needed to say, “yeah, be like that more,” which was patronizing and annoying because she knows perfectly well how to be. I haven’t done this for a while, I’m pleased to say. Instead I just say “I love it when you talk to me that way.”

But more importantly, it’s that I still have difficulty in accepting that Michelle isn’t just doing it to humor me because she loves me and wants our marriage to work. Even when she blows my mind into tiny fragments, there’s still sometimes a nagging doubt that she’s being led, willingly, into pleasing me by dominating me, and that eventually she’ll grow tired of the game because it isn’t really her.

The doubt is the thing that prevents my total immersion in submission. Still a part of me remains, a part that wants to question, and to control.

Over the last few months there’s been a shift – she’s undertaken so many acts of dominance, many of which were not actually to my liking, that I am starting to relax into my role and forget about whether it’s me or her. I’ve been more chilled, she’s noticed, and been more dominant with me in an off-hand way, which I love. She asks, and I say yes. If I ask, she says yes or no, without a trace of guilt or reluctance. I’m happy about that.

Then again, there are still moments of doubt, of indecision, moments when I wish she’d be more dominant with me, and she senses that, feels pressured, and backs away to the safety of the old way.

So I guess in one sense this is a ‘coming of age post‘ for our relationship. I think we can see the wood and the trees now. We’ve made it out of the first stage of the paradox. She is often very comfortable in using her power to get what she wants and I am mostly comfortable that she is doing this willingly, and forcefully.

But I’d be lying if I said I was totally comfortable with it. And I’d be lying if I said I wish she wasn’t more dominant sometimes.

I think the doubt and the frustration will probably remain for quite a while, and slowly diminish with time and practice. I suspect that D/s relationships probably go through a whole series of arrivals, points at which both partners feel relaxed enough to stop worrying about whether something ‘means’ something, and just go with it. Hopefully this can keep happening throughout the relationship.

That’s probably why I see coming of age posts on other blogs, by guys who have been doing this for much longer than me. Even after years of deep submission, there’s still a sense of wonderment and relief at the increasing dominance of their partners. “Hey, she’s been even more dominant lately. Awesome! We’ve really made it!”

I guess this makes sense. You wouldn’t expect there to be a definitive ‘arrival’ in a vanilla relationship, reaching a place where all roles were fixed and all issues were resolved. So why expect it of a D/s relationship? If you think about it, it would be kind of inflexible and get pretty boring.

So anyway, if Michelle wants to be more dominant, bring it on. I think I’m ready. But if it doesn’t come, or takes a long time, well then, I’m ready for that too. I’m going to try not to lead any more.

And in terms of this blog: I’m going to try and avoid having too many posts that say things like: “We’ve made it! She made me bark like a dog at a dinner party! We’re officially D/s now!”

Because I can see that the old anxieties will still be there, and that a month later, we’ll have some argument or lapse, and that will make me want to eat my words and make me realise we still have a way to travel.

Then again, if Michelle does something spectacularly dominant, or ups the tempo in some way, I probably will let y’all know…

SM.